I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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