Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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