I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Sext me about skeletons
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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