Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
