I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
My penis needs a shock collar
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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