PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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