I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize