A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The Olympian is in my bed
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize