eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
