You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
