i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
