Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
