I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
