he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
