I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
