i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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