You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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