Im at strip club and am horny
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
