see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize