my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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