we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
