Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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