I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
