so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
