Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
