New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Pooping to opera.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
