Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I just found puke in my bra..
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
