Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
