Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
