Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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