imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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