I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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