The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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