fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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