The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
