Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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