I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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