you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
