one word: firstdatebathroomanal
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
