Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
