Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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