I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
