Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
