so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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