do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
