my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
