I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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