I accidentally had phone sex last night
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
