note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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