life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
