I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
