woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
