Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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