Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize