dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
