I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize