Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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