I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
