I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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