he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize