Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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