Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
