woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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