Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
