Someone shit on the floor
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
