Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
