my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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