I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
