Joe is yelling at the trees again.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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