Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
