If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We need to feng shui this bitch.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
