New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
