i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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